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We are more than stars in winter
How apposed are you to grand theft auto?
New One Chapter One 
20th-Aug-2009 07:02 pm
Warnings: None exept if you haven't met Tiki yet.

Spoilers: None

Characters: Luna my OC, and Lavi & Bookman. Eventually lunaxlavi. c:




New One


Chapter One

Aiming for the star she set in her sights she shot the blinding white arrow at it. Instantly the arrow found a path among the stars and killed the akuma. As soon as the debris cleared she looked around to see if there was anymore. Nope. The blonde head moved fast and found her way to the Innocence fragment. She picked it up but someone appeared in front of her. Long black hair and gold eyes. Gray skin. She had heard about these creatures. Noah they were called. “Sorry miss but you can't have that.” It said smoothly. She raised an eyebrow. She said nothing and she drove an arrow deep into the creatures flawless skin. Into the center of his stomach. It shouted in pain. It's eyes wide and angry. Moving fast the girl ran toward the mountains where she had been standing a few moments before she killed the akuma. It could run and quicker than her. She got another arrow ready and shot it. She could keep it away if she got out fast.


Sighing she had finally fought the Noah off she removed her quiver from her back. She held it in her hand as she walked slowly to the train station. Straight back to the Order. The place was always dark and busy. She carried the fragment back to the science department. She got a short thank you from one of them and walked to the women's bath with no intention of making her bath a quick one.


She dried her fluffy blonde hair with a towel and then got dressed in her usual off duty outfit she liked to call it. “Welcome back Luna.” Someone said. She looked up from her curry. It was a redhaired boy she wasn't fond of. “Thank you Lavi.” She said swallowing her food. Lavi sat across from her. “What did you run into?” He asked nonchalantly. “A Noah I think they're called.” Said Luna swallowing again. Lavi appeared unfased. “They seem to show up more and more now. This is getting serious.”
He said deadpane. Luna being a new exorcists and only having been there six months was a little confused. “What are they exactly?” She asked. Lavi explained what they were to her and she nodded as she understood.
Then suddenly there was a tap on her shoulder. Chief Supervisor Koumi. “Hello Supervisor.” Said Luna. Finishing her food she pushed the plate aside and looked at Koumi. “Ah well this involves you as well Lavi.” Said Koumi. Luna looked at Lavi. Lavi opened his one eye to show he was listening.



End of chapter.

Or is it? >D

Let me know what you guys think~ <3
Comments 
20th-Aug-2009 11:14 pm (UTC)
Fff, not fond of Lavi.
20th-Aug-2009 11:31 pm (UTC)
Lavi isn't even fond of Lavi.

I HOWEVER. >w>
20th-Aug-2009 11:33 pm (UTC)
lavifag is trufax.
20th-Aug-2009 11:37 pm (UTC)
>//w//>

<333333

But I think my idea is win. There should be someone like that in there.
21st-Aug-2009 02:06 am (UTC)
Well, there isn't much to go on with this brief intro, but you really need a proofreader and/or beta. There are several verb tense errors and just awkward wording that could be easily fixed.

Now, some specific points:

1. OFC - sounds okay so far. At least you haven't gone into tons of description about her, which is a plus. The name is a bit sueish, though. It won't be too bad unless you start using moon metaphors to describe her or her abilities though.

2. Interactions - so far, you haven't done much to make us feel as if she were part of the Order other than saying so. There is little actual interaction beyond "she went to the science department, they said thanks." It's a case of show us she is a member, don't tell us she is.

Also, Lavi just appears and starts talking to her for no apparent reason. You give no explanation for why he's talking to her, but make it sound as if they were casual friends or acquaintances for a while. And he just begins quizzing her.

3. Names, spell them correctly, please. Komui is the proper spelling of his name.

4. Punctuation and grammar, which are related to the initial part of my comment above. The dialogue is not punctuated properly. “Sorry miss but you can't have that,it said smoothly. Also, make up your mind if you are going to call the Noah an "it" or use a male pronoun. Switching back and forth is confusing. Another point, dialogue from a new speaker starts a new paragraph. So each time the speaker changes, that should be it's own paragraph. It gets a bit confusing when you have Luna and Lavi talking to each other.

5. Don't get discouraged by this. I'd like to read more when you post it, because so many people are afraid to write OCs and most won't read it because they automatically assume that OC = MarySue. I prefer to write OCs myself, so I enjoy supporting others who do as well.

6. Summary - any hints of what's going to happen? Besides the hook-up, I mean. :)

21st-Aug-2009 05:14 pm (UTC)
1. Thanks and I figured no one would actually care if I went into detail anyway.

2. Yes someone actually did say that so I will work on that in the next chapter.

As for Lavi talking to her for no reason I don't really have an answer.

3. I didn't know I was spelling that wrong no one ever told me so thank you.


4. Alright thanks for that. I thought something was wrong with that.

5. Thanks. Yes they are and not all of them are mary-sues. I prefer them to because you don't have to really worry about ooc.

6. Someone might get a fatal injury.
21st-Aug-2009 07:52 pm (UTC)
Also I have another question what did you think of Luna's weapon?
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